Answerphone scripts

If you called me in the past and were unlucky enough to go to answerphone, you may have heard one of the following messages:

Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi I can't take your call at the moment, which probably means I'm not in... unless you're a burglar, in which case I'm upstairs cleaning my weapons.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

[using a computer speech synthesiser]
Hello, This is 3 of 8. I have taken over Richard's house. He is no longer available. Any information you leave will be assimilated.

Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.
Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight
Phone".

Hello, I'm afraid this is a machine but why not make it interesting and leave a message with the word "supercillious" in, after the beep of course.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

Hello, this is Rich and Emma's phone... we're in the middle of a domestic at the moment and can't get to the phone, but if you leave your name and number, whoever wins will call you back.

Hello, this is Rich. Right now at this moment, I AM in and able to take a call, but this is a recording and if you are listening to it then I clearly am NOT available. So in fact, I WAS available when I recorded this message, which is now, but is THEN to you, and whilst I AM here NOW, or THEN, I'm not here at the moment, which is now for YOU. Either way, for you, NOW, I'm not here, despite the fact that this is my voice. So leave a message and when I get back, supposing that I'm not here, which I am, but at the time of you calling, I'm not, then I'll get back to you. Thanks!

I can't come to the phone now because aliens are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the aliens assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

Hello, I can't get to the phone at the moment as I'm in the basement printing money. Please leave your message and how many 20's you would like after the tone. If you are from Scotland Yard, please ignore this message.

There Richard sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Richard in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The beep hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't ALREADY BEEN ROUND, that is. (Coughing loony laughter.)

Hello, this answering machine is connected to a 20,000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to our cat Tinkerbell. (Sound of Tink meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the moggy. The choice is YOURS!